Marion Philippe
English 8
Mr. Salsich
04-25-10
“We Are Family”:
An Essay About My Family
TS: One must have a family to be protected, to be supported through hurdles, to be loved. CM: Sometimes a family can degrade, but “[…] we start and end with a family,” (Anthony Brandt) (apt thesaurus word). CM: People who have a family are as happy as can be, but people that have no family have no boundaries and get themselves in a voluminous mess. CS: All in all, for us to succeed and be happy in life, we must never be alone.
TS: A family can be immense, minuscule, or fair in size, but family members are the ones we learn from, the ones we cherish and share memories with, the ones we
trust (apt thesaurus words, parallelism, bell word). SD: My sister, whom I think as a friend and a role model, is the one human who truly understands me. CM: Since she is two years older, she has been through the experiences that I am going through today which allows me to trust her. CM: She listens to my problems, and sometimes she disagrees with my solutions, but ‘it takes two to tango’. SD: In similar fashion, my mom, who has been here for me since the first day I was born, is the only person I feel I can tell my frustrations to. CM: Over the years, my mom has told me that I do not express my frustrations enough, but she has taught me that I can talk to her without fearing that she will tell someone else. CM: After thirteen years, I have learned how to open up to the one person who has been here every step of the way. SD: Although my sister and my mom are my closest family members, across the ocean are the people whom I learn the most from. CM: My grandpa has been through everything, from the air force to building a house; I trust him to teach me what he has learned during all of his years. CM: On the other hand, my grandma teaches me how to do the basic things, like cleaning crummy corduroys (alliteration). CS: In the end, every family member helps one another get through life because “[they] are like fudge - mostly sweet with nuts,” (author unknown).TS: A family should always support you through the ups and downs, holding your hand when you are sinking,
comforting you when you have made a mistake, standing by you when you are in great despair, which is exactly what the characters do in To Kill a Mockingbird and Romeo and Juliet (loose sentence, bell word). SD: In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Romeo’s father is there to comfort him when he is in a dark place, which is what my mom does when I am sinking into my problems. CM: When Romeo feels as if he cannot get out of his misery, his father tries to give him “good counsel [so] the cause [may be] removed.” CM: He tries to comfort his child as my mom does when I am in trouble; for example, one day I did a back flip on my bike, and she was there to help me get through the pain. SD: In similar fashion, when Mr. Ewell attacks Jem and Scout in Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, Jem instantly puts himself in danger to protect Scout. CM: He didn’t think twice before yelling “Run, Scout! Run! Run!” and grapple like a mad dog on Mr. Ewell. CM: Like Jem, both, my sister and I, would do the same thing to protect one another. CS: Each family is disparate, but in the end, everyone will do anything to protect their family (apt thesaurus word).TS: For a family to work, everyone must trust, comfort and love each other. CM: A family can show comfort by being there when one family member is feeling low. CM: A family can also show love by sending small but yet momentous gifts to each other (apt thesaurus word). CS: Sometimes it is hard to keep family bonds together but
“the best inheritance a parent can give to his children is a few minutes of their times each day,” (M. Grundler).Self Assessment Essay 20:
-The hardest part of this essay was relating my CM’s to my SD’s. I had good examples for my SD’s but they didn’t seem to fit right. Also, using apt thesaurus words was hard because I wanted to find the perfect ones that would enhance my writing.
-I think that I changed some of my CM’s so they would connect to my SD’s, and I thought that I also took out some unnecessary words. I tried to be like a gardener and take out all of the weeds.
-The best part of my essay was the loose sentence, alliteration and my apt thesaurus words. I thought they enhanced my writing.
-I think that I could’ve improved on some of my wording and finding more detailed examples of my family.
1. "He tries to comfort his child like my mom does to me when I am in trouble"--in CM2 of SD1 of BP2, you have a couple of unnecessary words. Instead of using "like," I would say "as," and you don't need "to me" because you just mentioning comforting a child.
ReplyDelete2. In SD2 of BP2, I think you should use the present tense because the rest of the paragraph is in the present (attacked -> attacks; put -> puts).
3. I really like the special effects. The alliteration in particular improves writing.
1.Is trust your thesaurus word? If it is, I think that you could possibly use a better one, maybe obligation. Just something to think about.
ReplyDelete2.Try to have all your paragraphs in one body. You skip lines when you use special sentences. Try not to do this because it makes it harder to read or follow.
3.Good job with the bell word. Trust and character rings out through your whole essay.
-In BP1's TS, I think you should use a word other than immense. Immense isn't really used to describe people or families.
ReplyDelete-I think that in BP1, SD3, CM1, you should put "... house, AND I trust ..."
-I really like your bell word of talking and expressing in your first paragraph. Nicely done.