Marion Philippe
English 8
Mr. Salsich
10-28-09
Forever Fear:
An Essay on My Fears
#1: When we hear the word fear, we usually think of it as “the most destructive element in the human mind,” (Thompson) but to me it is the most destructive element life can offer. #2: Fears keep us awake at night or they keep us from the “[…] things [we] think [we] cannot do,” (Roosevelt). #3: New doors are opening but we shut them, not letting us have a chance to live our life to the fullest. #4: Even though these things happen, I try to overcome them, even if my fears are always with me.
TS: My fears never fade over time; instead, they stay with me everyday. SD: The image of spiders crawling up my body is the biggest fear I have. CM: Every time I go down to the basement and down the stairs, the end seems to get farther and farther away. CM: Every step I take, those long legs and eyes are pointing towards me as if they, the spiders, are ready to attack, making me get chills down my spine. SD: When I see a spider, I usually think that it is trying to destroy me. CM: Every feeling, every thought I have are numbed away by this little creature. CM: All I have left in my power is to scream; however, this usually not only aggravates the spider, but it also aggravates my family. SD: Lastly, my second fear are those slithering, slimy creatures called snakes. CM: Ever since I was a little girl, those snakes have been poisoning my life; they have been into my garage, my grandparents backyard or just simply on the front door. CM: Though I have tried many times to look at them and not go crazy, I have failed many times and will never succeed. CS: My fears are always with me; they will never be let go, even if I try.
TS: My fears are always with me; they are never left for dead, which is irritable because some people just use them to play tricks against you. SD: One day, when I was going to bed, I got the surprise of my life. CM: I was getting cozy in my bed when something brushed my leg, a fake spider. CM: I later learned that my sister had put it there; however, she later learned that if you scare someone, the tables are going to turn. SD: When you have a sibling, it is second nature that you have to annoy them. CM: Since I love to scare my sister, I thought that hiding behind a door would be a genius idea. CM: However, this idea bought me a free ticket to my room and ignorance by my sister. SD: Lastly, I have learned that even though people’s fears are fun to play with, people will get hurt. CM: Every time I scare someone, I see how hurt they get; therefore, the less I want to do it. CM: If everyone is annoying one another about their fears, then nobody will overcome them. CS: Fears can interfere with life, but they should never stop us from living it.
#1: Fears can keep us from doing the things we want. #2: They are always with us, and they are never let go because they are “the oldest and strongest emotion of mankind,” (Lovecraft). #3: Some of us think fear creates us or some think fear destroys us. #4: We are not the king or queen of our fears, but our minds are.
Marion, this sentence -- "My fears never elude overtime; they just stay as if nothing were wrong" -- is confusing to me. I wonder if "elude" is the right word, and also I wonder if rearranging the sentence might make your meaning clear.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
1. In BP1 SD1, I don't think "supposition" fits well. A supposition is like a hypothesis or an assumption. Perhaps you could say "image" instead.
ReplyDelete2. In your concluding paragraph sentence 2, it's a comma splice. You could say "and" after the comma before "they." The "and" makes it flow more, in my opinion, than if you put a semicolon instead of the comma.
3. Your concluding paragraph is good. You wrapped up the essay with a cherry on the top, and it summarizes the essay well.
I don't think you need to have #1 - 4, I think you can just say topic sentence, then two commintary, then a thesis.
ReplyDeleteIn your very first comintary, I don't think that staircase fits very well. I think that it would sound better if you just said stairs
I like how you used a quote from Roosivelt, that was very clever.
In the TS in BP1, over time (overtime) is two words.
ReplyDeleteIn BP1, SD1, CM2 I do not think you need to say "...,the spiders,..."
I really like SD2 in BP2, because it is very true and there are no extra words.